Signs, impacts, origins and strategies

This topic is one that resonates with me after having therapy myself for people pleasing. I had to learn how to create boundaries and overcome my anxiety around people’s opinions of me. Read on to see if this resonates with you or maybe someone you know.

Simply explained, people pleasing is a behavioural trait whereby an individual aims to meet the needs of others often at their own expense.

In a YouGov poll held in 2022, 49% of 1000 Americans identified as being a people pleaser. Interestingly, there was a fairly equal split between women (51%) and men (42%). The most common traits reported were avoiding conflicts followed by put other’s needs first. So what are the other signs of people pleasing?

5 common signs:

• You often find it difficult to say no to others resulting in an overcommitment to activities and responsibilities
• Your feel anxious about what other people’s opinions of you are
• You avoid arguments, confrontations and conflicts and are often very agreeable
• You are susceptible to over-apologising, even when you know you aren’t to blame
• You are constantly seeking approval and validation from others

5 common impacts:

• You lack your own identity because you constantly reject yourself for others
• You feel frustrated and possibly resentful of others
• You feel like you’re being taken advantage of
• Your relationships aren’t fulfilling enough
• You feel stressed and burnout (emotionally, mentally, socially and physically)

This all being said, where does this people pleaser trait come from?

5 common origins:

• Being stuck in limiting beliefs, for example, ‘I am not good enough for this friend / partner’ – making us feel like we have to earn their love
• Past trauma – during childhood or adulthood, for example, a parent who’s love was based on certain conditions
• Our parents modelling this way of being, meaning that we learned to do the same
• Fear of rejection or failure
• Having low self-esteem 

5 common strategies:

• Starting to implement boundaries and prioritising your own needs, i.e. saying yes to yourself and no to others
• Evaluate your relationships, identifying any toxic ones
• Waiting until you are asked for help
• Start embracing discomfort, small changes make the biggest difference
• Seek extra professional support

If you have any other questions or would like additional support do feel free to book in for a free 30 min chat.

Warm wishes,

Rachel